Fidelity

This is not a lonely man complaining. These are just one of the many thoughts that I have through the day.

I was listening to a Regina Spektor song called "Fidelity". The lyrics are:


I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly


It got me to think. Today being St. Valentine's day makes you think about love and relationships. A person told me that we are all made to marry. I dont completely agree with that person, but I do think that I am called for that.


I have never had a Valentine date really and as sad as it is, this day always makes you think of your relationships or in my case the lack of. I have never had a relationship longer than a couple of months.


 I keep my heart guarded and it is hard letting people in. 


Those Regina Spektor lyrics speak to me. I dont give myself up freely to people. I have never loved someone deeply enough to say or even think of the phrase "I love You." I keep my self grounded and dont try to fall in love with every girl with a cute smile.


I fear that I am afraid of love. Can I love someone so deeply that my body will ache when I am not with them? Am I meant for a relationship with somebody? or am I meant to be strong enough on my own to lead groups of people? Can someone love all of me and not be afraid of who I really am? I struggle with those questions. 


This day always gives me hope. I see all the people in the same shoes that I am in and probably wondering the same questions. Life is struggle and pain. These experiences and emotions will get you one step closer to where you have to be and hopefully when you are ready when we get there. 


V day Mixtape:


J Holiday- Bed
Trey Songz- Neighbors know my name
Jagged Edge- Promise
Musiq- Love
R Kelly- 12 play
Maxwell- A Woman's Worth
Regina Spektor- Us
Adele- Make you feel My love
Bob Dylan- Not Dark Yet
Elton John- Your Song
Fiona Apple- Across the Universe
Billy Joel- Shes always a Woman
Sting- Fields of Gold